only in my dreams

sandman05Today we’re having a vet come to the house to microchip our two cats. It’s a good thing to do, but not one that gives me as much comfort as it should. I’m terrified of them getting outside in the first place, which is part of why we’re using a housecall vet. Fred joins me in this terror: ever since the move he’s been leery of windows, even. George, on the other hand, is a fledgling escape artist.

Last night I dreamed that both cats had gotten lost. The part where they were missing was actually very short. I found them and was holding them clutched to me (a feat only possible in dreams, as that’s about 30 pounds of cat, and Fred squirms a lot when you pick him up). They were clinging to me tightly, but I didn’t know how to get them to safety. I didn’t have a car, or a phone, or anything. I couldn’t find the person I’d arrived there with. I walked a long, long way to where I thought they were, but they still weren’t there. I decided to walk back as I’d come and just hope for the best — hope I saw someone I knew, someone who could help. About ten steps later, I saw my mother. She was walking toward me and had on a white top with little flowers and a blue hem, a shirt I’d forgotten about until today but one she wore often. I told her what was going on and she said yes, she had a car. In a dream-flash we were there. I put the cats safely in the car and felt a great wash of relief. We were parked outside of the place she liked to get ice cream and, burden resolved, we decided to go inside for something to eat. And that was it.

I’m not a trained psychologist but it doesn’t take one to understand what that was about. Sometimes, I want my mother. My mother was a champion fixer-of-problems, her kids’ problems most of all. When there was a crisis, she didn’t get panicked. She didn’t freak out. Car accident, failed class, computer broken, bad situation as work, whatever. She just helped you fix it, and that was that, and you didn’t have to worry anymore. And I miss that. I miss it. Does anyone ever stop missing that?

Sometimes dreams are weird and stupid and scary. Sometimes they’re silly. Sometimes they’re obvious. Mine tend towards the latter. Not scary, exactly, but an obvious manifestation of my fears. So in the meantime, then, kitties stay home whenever possible, and that means Fred’s personal physician comes to him.

4 thoughts on “only in my dreams

  1. Oh, honey, I don’t think we ever really stop missing that safe place that our moms provided for us, especially if we were close to our moms. I am 63 years old and have a granddaughter, and there are still times when I want to talk to my mom, have her hug me and tell me it’s going to be all right. I’m going through a very anxious time right now, in fact, and more than anything else I wish I could spend some time with my mom. Love and hugs to you, and a big “I get you and I’ve got your back, sweetie!” <3

    • Thank you, my friend. Yes, you know just what I mean. It’s sort of a nagging feeling, that I just really wish I could tell her things, sometimes.

      Hugs and love right back to you. I’ve got your back as well, and you know that if you ever need an ear, just say the word.

  2. Very sweet and touching, Toni. Your Mom sounds pretty wonderful in that regard.

    I hope there was some happiness and comfort in the dream, in addition to the anxiety. 

    I feel like I haven’t seen the kitties in awhile. We’ll have to plan a time when I’ll come over soon. How’s everything else there? Looking forward to some fun together this weekend at the wedding.

    >________________________________ > From: hold on… what am I holding onto? >To: mistertwoonetwo@yahoo.com >Sent: Monday, August 18, 2014 11:57 AM >Subject: [New post] only in my dreams > > > > WordPress.com >32daisies posted: “Today we’re having a vet come to the house to microchip our two cats. It’s a good thing to do, but not one that gives me as much comfort as it should. I’m terrified of them getting outside in the first place, which is part of why we’re using a housecall v” >

    • Thanks — she was really strong when it came to being a good mom. Yes, I liked remembering that shirt — it’s good when you pull something back out of your memory that way.

      The boys look forward to seeing their Uncle Stephen again soon. The vet just left, and they’re both fine — Fred did swimmingly, but then again, his personal physician gave not just home but bedside service; he didn’t even have to get up. George had some build up in his ears and had to have them flushed out, which he apparently gets from your side of the family.

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