to the person who tried to steal my identity

hacker-cartoonTo the person who tried to steal my identity, or hack my online account, or whatever it was you were trying to do, a few things:

1.) In case you didn’t notice, you failed. You failed because you were stupid, you failed because you did a sloppy job of whatever it was you were trying to do, and you failed, mostly, because I’m smarter than you are. I got notice of your attempt about 8 seconds after you made it, and I’d put a stop to it about 30 seconds after that. You may think your kung fu is awesome, but mine is better.

2.) As a side note, geez, you picked a crappy target. Not just because it was never going to work, but also because, dude, there was hardly any money in that account. This is like the time someone stole my backpack at the Theatre Arts building on campus, only to learn there was a notebook, a pen, and fifty cents inside. They actually ditched it about 50 feet away from where they’d taken it — probably totally disgusted at the slim pickings. I have to imagine you felt the same.

3.) You’re still a scumbag, though. A lazy, sitting in front of their computer and trying to find ways to take other people’s money scumbag. For the record.

4.) You didn’t get a cent of my money, and you weren’t able to compromise any of my accounts. I’ve stepped up encryption, initiated fraud protection on my credit report and there isn’t a thing you or any other run of the mill thief could do to me at this point. But — thanks a lot, loser. Because of you I spent a lot of my quality time on the phone with customer service agents, waiting on hold, taking notes, arguing with various institutions, and being aggravated in general. You didn’t steal any money (not for lack of trying) but you stole my time, which is even more valuable, so you pissed me off pretty good.

5.) Lastly, I have a suggestion. Try not screwing over your fellow man, or if you must, do us all a favor and use your pathetic skills to go after bigger, more reprehensible fish. Instead of trying to steal from your brothers in the trenches, next time go after some morally corrupt corporation. Preferably one of the ones that kept me on hold the longest over the past week. One of those under-taxed, given-personhood-status, total scum of the universe ones that have plundered our economy, spoiled our environment, or tried to get involved in the day-to-day operations of my uterus. Next time, screw over someone who deserves it, not someone who has $77.25 in a savings account and wasn’t born yesterday.

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